snails

art camp. first, i feel really old. most of the staff is in their early to mid-twenties and here i am, thirty years old. i hate it because i don’t always feel like i’m thirty. i feel like i’m still in my twenties and i’m sure some of that is because i am back at a point that most people are at in their twenties, looking for people. the thing that worries me is that people are going to think that i’m trying to act younger than i am but that’s not the case. it’s that i’m finally at a point where i can meet people and i can appreciate people and their stories. im not worried about what people think necessarily, just that they are getting the wrong impression. i am young. i know that thirty doesn’t always seem young to people but i am young enough and i’m restarting my life. this is a reset.

anyway, art camp. the guys are cute but again, im old in comparison so i feel awkward. they are definitely genuine people though. one in particular, he looks my age haha but he is eight years younger which makes me laugh. poor guy. he’ll be sad in a few years. he is a good mix of interesting but also relaxed. it’s funny though because most of the staff does not live immediately in this area but rather around the united states and they (they being the male staff) are all fawning over the other younger chaperone who is in her early twenties and probably one of the most adorable people i’ve ever met. i like watching the dynamic between them and her though. i feel like it gives me some insight into how i should approach guys.

 

through this all, i’ve had no connection to the outside world, save one or two conversations here and there because service is so bad. it’s disappointing because ochko drug is still ghosting me and it hurts, i can’t deny that. it really makes me anxious because i’m not trying to have a relationship, i just want my friendship to be solid there and i feel like every time it’s close to being solid, it somehow gets rattled and i’m back to square one. that’s not fair to me. the fact that friend in russian translates to drug and you become ochko drug is not a coincidence. as kesha says your love is my drug. i keep trying to quit you and i can’t. you’re always pulling me in and i don’t know how to feel about that. should i continue to let you pull me? let’s be frank though, i couldn’t walk away even if i tried. i have tried. here i am, a week without conversing with you and i feel like my withdrawal is so horrible; i can’t breathe. it’s irritate in the least and infuriating at the most. it’s most infuriating when i consider that you perhaps aren’t even close to feeling this but you know i am and you are just letting me fester in this state of unknowing in perpetuity.

 

-k

 

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